It’s that time of year again! That time of year that reminds everyone whether or not they have someone special to hold hands with. Even if you, like me, relish your independence, and have the “I don’t need anyone to complete me!” attitude, you are still forced to endure months of cardboard hearts and chocolate roses and aisle after aisle of the red and pink pandemonium that declares Valentine’s Day is upon us!
I like the idea of Valentine’s Day. I really do. A day for special gestures to show the people you love just how much you care about them is a nice thought. I don’t like what Valentine’s Day has come to mean to me as a single gal. It’s now become a special day set aside to remind me of everything I already knew about my life. I repel commitment, I make dinner for one every night, and the last time there was a naked boy in this apartment, someone else’s name was on the lease.
But Valentine's Day makes me reflect on my romantic past and if i've come to any conclusion it's this: Valentine's Day and I have a long and pitiful past full of disappointment, which will someday be the stuff of a romantic comedy. (AND the romantic comedy based on my life will be much funnier than 'Fools Gold,' I promise.)
My Valentine’s Day woes can be traced back to the first February 14th I can remember.
It was my kindergarten Valentine’s Day party. The events were typical of any elementary school shindig. I’m sure it involved treats and valentine boxes and cards for everyone. Then we played a “heart match” game. The game involved big cardboard hearts that had been cut down the middle, each in a different pattern or design. Every student would be given one half of a heart and then race to find who had the other half to match their heart and make it whole. Even in kindergarten, little-5-year-old Laura was stupidly competitive. I remember running around the classroom in rampant excitement to find my “heart match” faster than all those other kindergarten fools. Even in kindergarten I knew who was cool and who wasn’t. I knew who was an acceptable heart match and who would make for heart match social suicide. Much to my dismay, my heart match was the weird boy in class, the boy we all knew was ‘different.’ Even at five years old, I just knew there was going to be no future there, and my heart match finally came out of the closet in 6th grade. My Valentine’s Days were off to a rocky start.
The remaining memories of my youthful Valentine’s Days are a blur of classroom parties and saving the best cards for my best friends and the cutest boys. Let's just jump ahead to the good stuff…
As a junior in high school I was so happy to be spending my first real valentines day with my oh-so-dreamy college boyfriend. (He turned out to be not-so-dreamy….and also not-so-college, but that’s another story.) We’d been dating for about a year, and I was really looking forward to Valentine’s Day. I spent a lot of time planning the perfect gift for him. I think I ended up choosing an assortment of his favorite candies and a photo album filled with pictures of us (just what every 19 year old boy dreams of, I know, but at 17 I probably thought it was cute). Now, the oh-so-dreamy college boyfriend didn’t have much money so I didn’t expect an elaborate evening but I figured I’d get a love letter or something romantic….
He made me a card on the computer….
Now there is nothing wrong with homemade gifts. I much prefer a meaningful homemade gift to a thoughtless store bought one. And when you’re as broke as he was, a homemade gift was really the best and only option…
but why did he choose the clipart picture of two mermaids holding a giant heart as the cover image?
Was that supposed to be us?
Were we the merpeople?
Were the merpeople mocking me that they had found their heart match?!
I didn’t get it. But whatever, ok, I’m a weird girl maybe he thought I’d dig the mermaid theme so we’ll move on. Seeing as oh-so-dreamy college boyfriend had aspirations of being a writer, I anticipated poetic gold. Instead, he had scribbled:
“Sorry, I know it sucks to have me as your boyfriend. You deserve more. I love you,” across the inside of the card.
Seriously?!
….yeah… just let that romance sink in. At least he acknowledged that it was a shitty gift, because I was in denial about that, and the relationship in general, for a long time.
Fast Forward 1 year and 1 DUI later:
He chose to take me to see a movie for Valentine’s Day (I had to drive, obviously because he had his licensed revoked). We saw “Fools Gold,” to satisfy oh-so-dreamy-college-dropout’s obsession with Matthew Mcconaughey. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this wasn’t a great movie, even by romantic comedy standards. But the cherry on top of this perfect evening was that we had gotten in an argument on the way to the movie, which had left me distracted and as such, I locked my keys in my car. I didn’t realize this until after the movie, of course, and had to call my mom, who was an hour away, to bring me the spare set of keys. End Scene: me crying in Barnes and Noble waiting for my mother to unlock my minivan….
I left for college that fall and my high school romance fell apart (hard to believe, I know). By the time February rolled around I had a few failed “relationships” under my belt. I had recently begun dating a new boy. He was beautiful and I’m not ashamed to admit that his looks were the biggest, if not only, reason I was interested in him. It was a very new romance. We had only actually gone out a few times, and the rest of our relationship was based more or less on texting. For Valentine’s Day we had agreed to go see a movie. For me this was a low key, no big deal, perfect we’ve-only gone-out-twice Valentine’s Day date. When he showed up with roses I was a bit floored. I am not the kind of girl who asks you not to get me anything, but then secretly harbors resentment if you don’t show up with a gift. He, however, was the kind of boy who expected a gift in return. I didn’t have a gift and in my socially awkward panic, I told him that I had gotten him a high-five! And that he was welcome to that high five then or he could choose to save it for later. He didn’t think it was funny. He actually didn’t seem to recognize that it had been a joke at all. Instead, he just starred at me for a painfully long silent minute. That movie ended up being our last date. He has never redeemed that offer for a high-five.
My sophomore year of college left a lot to be desired in the dating department. The last date I had gone on was actually the high-five Valentine’s Day movie. I was certainly ready to give dating another whirl, and opportunistically reconnected with a boy from my hometown who was a few years older than me. He had joined the marines out of high school and we had lost touch. We started talking again (Thanks Facebook!) and soon we were texting and calling and skyping everyday. Nothing had really happened because I was at school and he was back in our hometown a few hours away, but there was chemistry there and well let’s face it, you don’t spend hours a day for weeks on end talking to someone you don’t like. Things were going really well, and I was beginning to think this newfound friendship held serious potential… until one night I awoke to a text from an unknown number.
The text read:
“Hey laura its [Military-Boy’s ex girlfriend] I just want you to know that [Military-Boy] is back with me and has been lying to you I also want you to know that we have two kids, a girl and we have a boy due may 8th I know he likes you bc he’s told me he’s confused with what he wants but I just thought you should know that he comes home to me and isn’t who you think he is”
WAIT, WHAT?! This kind of stuff happens in real life? When you’re me, yep; it does.
If waking up to that at 2 am doesn’t shake your foundation of trust a bit, I don’t know what will. That whole situation was far more Jerry Springer than I cared to deal with, and needless to say, the relationship never blossomed. All of this took place a few days before the 14th of February so there wasn’t much time to jump back in the dating game before the dreaded holiday. Instead, I opted to spend Valentine’s Day at a bar that was hosting it’s own Valentine’s Day contest. The contest was for the worst break up story and the winner won a vacation for two. I thought my recent “Surprise! He’s got KIDS!” text messages would certainly win! (Sorry for those of you who’ve been cheated on or got dumped at your senior prom, but I think that text message is the epitome of relationship enders, at least when you’re in college.)
I didn’t win the contest. I received an honorable mention. Which was pretty much, Happy Valentine’s Day Laura! Your love life sucks, but not quite enough to be awesome.
I spent the rest of the evening taking shots of tequila and consequently vomiting all over my bedroom floor.
Nothing makes you feel like you’re gonna die alone more than being the hungover ‘runner-up’ and scrubbing vomit out of your carpet.
This brings us to the present, with Valentine’s Day less than a week away. I’m still single and this Valentine’s Day isn’t looking like it’s going to be the one that turns things around for me, so hopefully the world doesn't actually end in 2012. But I haven’t given up hope completely and I absolutely refuse to settle for less than my perfect ‘heart match’. I have faith that someday I’ll find someone out there appreciative of all the baggage I bring to the table. But until then I’m going to continue to only shower every other day, curse like a sailor, wear men's sweatpants, eat popcorn for dinner, sleep in the middle of the bed, and cuddle with my pride and independence!
Wait-Why am I still single?
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